Advertising makes us here at Mitchieville happy. This weeks' Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2014, is brought to you by The Pork Parts Producers Association of Ontario. So, before we go on to what you actually want to read, namely a personal map to the future, you will instead be fed fact distorting propaganda. The truth is that most of the pigs out there in Ontario are bred and fed, fattened up, for the human spare parts industry. But let me let you decide for yourself...
Aries: This is a sleepy week for you, Aries. The outside weather is made for taking a nap while everyone else is off doing your bidding. A foreign war will bring you fast and easy investment profits. Brilliant ideas will come to your in your sleep. You will learn that recharging someone's cell phone will put them into a deep hypnotic sleep while the cell phone recharges.
Taurus: There are some amazing deals available at your local gardening center. It does not matter what you need, they have it. You will be excited, and your materialist nature rewarded, when you spend your disposable income. You deserve it, Taurus. The more you spend, the more Set, the Snake God, will reward you with power, riches, sexual pleasures, and youthful vigor.
Gemini: You need a motorcycle. You have always wanted to have a motorcycle. You shall have a motorcycle this week! Freedom is your birthright, so use it wisely. What better way that to take up an unfamiliar set of physical tasks and risk the integrity of your skeletal structure against a transitory feeling of well being? You will learn an important lesson this week, Gemini.
Cancer: Your impressive efforts at preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse now are challenged by the reality needs of group survival. Let the word Warlord cross your lips with yourself as the subject at least once this week. Your people will be Organized. This week, you consolidate Your People into an efficient social contract. This is your destiny for the week, Cancer: As Lawgiver, draw up the Social Contract.
Leo: The Roman Empire fell because of a failure to develop generally accepted accounting practices. Without double entry accounting, Rome fell, armies went unpaid, crops were left to rot in the fields, and barbarians went without exposure to marketing and advertising. There truth is out there, it is plain to see. Your mission of destiny is to cast your understanding into the future, Leo.
Virgo: It is a mystery of the Economic gods as to why when we are so poor that we have access to so much. This week you learn the lesson that it is the ripples from the thought objects we throw into the hypothetical pool of possibilities that bring us wealth. Re shaping your thought objects is your goal this week, Virgo. You may unleash the Zombie Apocalypse, but at least your were learning something.
Libra: Your week is just one long orgy, Libra. That means sex and lots of it. You will not be doing much thinking this week. Your sense desires for sensual pleasures overwhelms your reasoning, and bends your practical mind to an all you can eat buffet that is your week. You will meet a romantic stranger, of course. When you go into the wrong room at the hotel, you will find a bag of money. Take it. It is yours to spend.
Scorpio: The pleasures of command are yours this week as you special skills are turned to strategy in an intergalactic war. While you sleep, Scorpio, your mind is seconded to the administration of a numberless war fought across endless landscapes, with Newtonian mechanics based weapons. You will have dreams, perhaps nightmares and indigestion. While you are awake, Anubisys, the Supreme War God pampers your physical needs.
Sagittarius: Extend the number of hours you play at computer games this week. The Invisible Hand of the Market will reward you with exciting offers and time sensitive give aways. Firmware updates mean that you are playing for real on some distant planet. How much do you really care? Choose wisely, there are promotions to be had in the service of The Invisible Hand.
Capricorn: The future is dark. Without oil there is so much of our culture missing. What will pass away, Capricorn? Invest in the future. Let the word plantation pass your lips at least once this week. Your neighbors will become sharecroppers. Your sharecroppers. Learn to keep the love alive in the darkness. Your Chinese name is King Rat, Delicious Cake, or Work Horse of Huan. You have choices.
Aquarius: Anubisys, the Supreme War God, is needful of your service, this week. Someone has to direct Masterpieces of Torture on Film. You can personalize your space, of course. This is a good piece of advice: Erect boundaries between yourself and your questionable co-workers. Only you can differentiate between Masterpieces on Torture of Film and Masterpieces of Torture of Film. Essay topic.
Pisces: It is infrequent for you to acknowledge your evil side. This is a piece of inner work that most of your kind leave to the last, for good reason. There are greater demons imprisoned by your careful, sin driven pagan magicks. When you unleash them on an unsuspecting population it makes you laugh. This could make you unpopular. Your wizards robes need a summer airing with forest air and barbeque smoke.