Horoscope for the Month of March, 2012

A special child will be conceived this month: one to be born in the auspicious month of December, 2012. The followers of Set, the Snake God have been anticipating the birth of a personage of great power and influence in that month, as per their sacred writings. It is too early yet to tell under which sign the mother will be, although it can be narrowed down to the signs of Libra, Capricorn, or Aquarius. If you find yourself in the position of birth control failure, or a pharmacist wearing the distinctive serpent ring of that sect, you could well be the parent of this special child. You will also draw the attention of devotees of that sect, in the form of extra helpful strangers, offers of credit cards in the mail, or clean cut youth coming to your door pretending to be Christian missionaries.

Aries: Things will be going backwards for you all month, Aries. Around the time of the full moon on the 9th, you will experience your clocks going backwards. If you have internet and access to a dial up stock market trading utility, you can turn this to your advantage. The presence will be strongest in one room of you house. You might want to spend some time in a motel during this time. Then leave. After the full moon, electrical effects more familiar to theoretical physicists will occur in your vicinity, usually within 3.14 meters of your center of mass.

Taurus: After the 6th of March, your life picks up, Taurus. You have until the 14th to dispose of any reminders you have stashed in your trunk from your days of road rage from February. The 14th is the best day to buy a lottery ticket; you will win the lottery this month. Your life will also be punctuated with invitations to orgies, drunken debaucheries, and wild excesses of eating; all tied to the political process. Somebody wants your vote, Taurus. Your friends in organized crime will seek out your advice on a financial matter.

Gemini: The days between the 3rd and the 24th will be the best days of the month for you, Gemini. Fire will be your servant, so always carry fire making materials with you on your person. You might want to make a stash of a few jugs of bar b que starter in your car. This in addition to your usual Zombie fighting gear, which every sensible Gemini has handy. Your witty retorts will lead to a telemarketing operation shutting down after one of your legendary telephone confrontations in the second week of the month. Be careful who you call as you can unleash certain doom with your touch tone phone.

Cancer: Your fears of the collapse of civilization will be unfounded this month, Cancer. Be careful walking at night around the full moon on the 8th; and try to walk your dog before sunset. If some stranger comes to the door after sunset, have a full clip of those silver alloy rounds ready. Be very wary around garbage cans that have been disturbed by some animal. Let someone else deal with those large critters. The best days of the month for you are 3rd and 30th. Most especially the 3rd. Even a hum-drum invitation to the local swingers club will prove advantageous to your career.

Leo: Find an excuse to attend religious services between the start of the month and the 20th. Get your spiritual needs for the year out of your system before the 25th, when you will notice that your favorite supermarket parking lot is being used by space aliens for transhipment of fresh produce and dairy products to resupply their ships. After that date, you will find (in or close to an elevator) a space alien smart phone with a somewhat inscrutable drop down menu. Do not sleep with it under your pillow, but rather let it recharge close to where a house pet sleeps.

Virgo: Your technical skills and attention to detail will be challenged this month, Virgo. Initially by the forces of chaos. After you triumph over chaos, you will find yourself in a leadership position. On the weekend of the 3rd you will make an astounding discovery, and have the opportunity to create an astounding invention, provided you master the idea by the 12th. In the second half of the month your physical efforts will bring you rich material rewards. Help an old lady across the street.

Libra: Your month starts off turbulent, filled with people having the temerity to disagree with you or not jump to your orders with sufficient zeal. A sea change occurs after the first week, when practical concerns of shopping and spending money take precedence, which implies you will have wheelbarrows of cash to squander in your best possible taste. Around the middle of the month you will win the lottery, with this associated with some sort of gardening supply store or place where better seeds and trowels are sold. A magic scarf will come to you. Treasure it.

Scorpio: The keys to the treasure chests of Hades will be delivered to you this month, around the 15th, I would say. Unfortunately, the chests are located in a rather gloomy place, so do wear suitable clothes and footwear. Only take treasures, for the other objects you may find will want to return to their, uh, original owner. Be prepared. Think big picture. As the month wanes, a nebulous figure, cloaked as some sort of bureaucracy will move against you. When you are still, you are invisible to them. The more you move, the more the spider will sense your movements.

Sagittarius: This is a pleasant month of contemplating your material wealth. Not until after the 21st will your war like nature be reminded of the task of saving mankind from itself. Earlier in the month, around the 13th, an agent of the reforming Knights Templar will make contact with you concerning banking reform. Your opinions are appreciated. Do not hold back. You will be rewarded with a seductive adventure with a tempting example of the gender you prefer. Those Templars know how to party.

Capricorn: The War God makes use of your many talents, even as the dreamy eyed idealists block your ambitions. Things are just going backwards, but position yourself to be heading towards a pit so that you will be backing away. Use your clever wits to work this. In the last week of the month, something exciting will occur which will none the less keep you from your daily plans, which is to say: stay home when the riots break out.

Aquarius: Your mind will be filled with good ideas for inventions, developments, and future actions, especially in the first full week of the month. Write down your ideas, capture them, if only to prove to yourself later how brilliant you are. You will be the star of the party on the weekends in the middle of the month, but do wear matching socks, even if you are opposed to the idea for political reasons. Take your clothes off in public at least once this month.

Pisces: Your ability to control the minds of others grows this month. It will peak on the 20th of the month, even if it will bring you some sort of food reward on the 7th. After the 21st, the mundane imposes on your growing powers. A car repair looms, but you will not have to pay for it if you listen to the whispers of your subconscious. As the month wanes, avoid sexual activity that will send you back to jail, even if they beg for release, offer money, or chocolate cinnamon cheesecake dusted with macadamia.

Confidential to Colonel Juan in Bogota: Your plans are without flaw. The shipment arrives Wednesday. The messenger will identify himself as Walter from Prussia. Talk about old times when you discover that he is an old school friend.

The Empty Cup

When the cup is empty you want it full. My cup is empty. I am empty. I live in a desert, or at least my soul is there. It is not a hot desert, like Death Valley, but a dry one. It is Canada, a cold desert. There is water, but the sources are far away, places I do not know. Close to me, within range of my thirst, there is none. I can walk, I can drive, but the sources of water are dry. If there are others, I know not where. There is snow, of course. Canada has lots of snow this time of year, but the snow on the ground you cannot drink. It is poison. Contaminated with dog piss, N-person spit, and road salt. Better to die of thirst than die of that. Water, for the soul, comes in three forms: friendship, sex, and patriotism. There are fancy Latin terms for these (eros, patria, I think), but the empty cup I have is that of love of country, that despised affection called variously nationalism.

Supernatural Toronto

The fading of Christianity has had its predictable results: supernatural spirits more familiar to the Ancient Greeks and the superstitious Romans have returned to our city. The Goddess Persephone * , in particular, the consort of Hades, Lord of the Underworld roams the streets of Toronto. Persephone, who rather resembles Lady Gaga in taste for material possessions, also has a taste for mortal men. Being a goddess she has, it is said, the most beautiful vagine. So much so that those who have sampled her divine affections are no longer capable of ejaculation. Of course, those so touched by the divine are driven by their craving for release, and incapable, that they go mad. They also turn into satyrs, their feet slowly reshaping into cloven hooves, their bodies hairy (often mistaken for Italian or Portuguese construction workers), and their need for food or sleep disappears. They haunt the night life of the city, live under bridges and in the forested ravines, and exist in torment.

The Generic Love Spell

After you learn the meanings of the tarot cards, you learn the combinations. This besides that means whatever. After you learn combinations you learn associations. The Knight can stand in for the King, the Ace modifies the others, and the Pages are lesser mortals than their feisty Knight cousins, or their sober Kings who rule over them. And then, one magical moment, you learn you can rearrange the cards that speak of the question you have asked. You can change the reading and turn the listening into dictation.

The Sleeping Sword

Waiting for the sword to fall, indeed. Which of the four horsemen will be the first to strike? Disease seems the most likely. But then there is War; diplomacy and things unseen in the background could avert that first blow. Famine calls itself economic downturn now a days, and we have been living with it for some years now. The Earthshaker has done his bit, and could strike, but nobody expects that expected event.

Disease. There are more than one plague to choose from. Which do you favour? The tuberculosis, the gonorrhea, or the dirty hospital cough? We had ways of dealing with diseases before we had anti-biotics, but the sanitarium, the quarantine, and the closed port technologies have been sold off for votes for the insane, the roaming cougher, and the illegal immigrant. I would mention the clay footed response to the HIV epidemic, but in a country without freedom of speech, that could get me in trouble. Better half the population dies choking on their own vomit than we be prepared for the predictable and inevitable.

War. The dead white males always said it only takes one aggressor to make a war. We have two: the bomb crafting Iranians, and the holocaust stung Israelis. If a war does break out, the Obama voters will flock back to vote for Obama, which does put a spin on the foreign policy of the world’s smartest leader. Patriotism. No mention in the media of the support of the usual ex-Bolshevik powers for Iran. Any rail movements of munitions over their common border? Nary a peep: all is mourning for the latest crack pipe casualty in Hollywood.

Famine. There were always peasant uprisings after a famine. Marx noted this, but the current crop of Marxists are in love with the non-workers of the tax spending class. They have built up a security apparatus from the ranks of the freedom loving patriots, a strategy that a Roman emperor or Greek despot would judge unwise. Likewise layoffs in the military, those looming endings of career and avocation. Mind you, coups do not happen in the modern Rome. Not never. You can press their buttons, take their wealth, and what always happens will not happen. You can find that not written in the history syllabus. Better to read about the heroic struggle to have wheelchair ramps installed at libraries and post offices than about the inevitable.

Disaster. This only seems to show up as a logical consequence of some economic activity that creates jobs and capital. Going back to horses will stop the hurricanes in Florida and the earthquakes in California. Yup. And from the last disaster, nobody prepares for the next. At least, the preparations made are made by people who do not show up on the white guilt gummed up monitors of the media. Just who is buying all those guns, ammo, survival rations, and other stuff I will not mention? Who knows, who knows. If you do, you keep quiet in this time of absence of freedom of speech.

Go to bed and rest your weary head. The sun will rise tomorrow. The dawn may be smoke filled from N-person riot, the air filled with pestilence from roaming victims of oppression, and the news of your job layoff in the mail. If the earth shakes, or the waters rise, the prepared will act, and the looters loot. It is all very predictable, but which Ace will turn up first? Which of the four horsemen will bring forward his legions as vanguard?

The three blue privilege tokens, two nights in Montreal problem

It is a math problem, really. I ended up with the bag holding the blue privilege tokens after handing them out to deserving staff at the Frigg's day moot. There were three blue privilege tokens in there, that black velvet bag the Mayor uses to hold the weeks issue. Gosh darn. Nobody noticed, they were all bolting out the door to their separate destinations: the green privilege tokens to The Pleasure Center, the local bar; The red privilege tokens to the Colosseum, for an evening spectacle watching wild beasts tear apart Occupy activists; and the blue tokens were headed to the parking lot: their reward was a weekend in Montreal, there to sample Michigan sausage. There are only two days in the weekend, as you well know; two tokens are sufficient for the entire weekend of Michigan sausage, and the best Michigan sausage is in Montreal. It is a perfect time. But what if you have three blue privilege tokens? This is the three blue privilege tokens, two nights in Montreal problem.

Chemical Drain Cleaner Blues

Have you ever wondered about someone's ability to plug the drainage system of a house or apartment? Everyone sheds hair, everyone pours bacon fat down the kitchen sink, but why do some people get all the clogs? These special people have the plumber on speed dial; they are knowledgeable about toilet snakes, are conversant with the dissolving speeds and ratios of caustic to fat, and they know which midnight gardening supply center has specials on Drain-o. You know someone like this, do you not?