Thursday, June 27, 2019

Keeping people in the condominium storage locker

Human Resources says the sign in the elevator lobby.  Turn left, and you are there.  Me, I am the manager.  The job is a front.  My boss, the owner, likes it that way.  Staff come to me to complain, I listen.  I do nothing, and I do nothing well.  The chronic office farter is nothing;  the insatiable refrigerator bandit is nothing; the toilet paper origami fetishist is nothing.  But sometimes, doing nothing is not enough to do.  Those times, the trouble makers get disappeared and sent to the owner's condominium, third parking level down, where the storage locker lock up has been converted into a dungeon.

Horoscope for the Week of June 30, 2019

In the Heavens this week:

Aries: Pursue an aggressive policy of doing nothing this week, Aries.  You will get the most done this way.  Higher forces will manifest to sweep away the problems that vex you.  It will be very satisfying.

Taurus: Trouble and temptation strike in pairs.  You are well advised to abandon your futile attempts to separate the thing you want from the thing that stops you.  Thursday, everything changes.  You will have a four hour window of accomplishment.

Gemini: Everyone is paying attention to you this week.  Your audience hopes that your cogent analysis and discerning directions win the argument, but they really live in fear of what The War God is actually going to do next week.

Cancer: A problem goes away Tuesday.  An invitation to a party on Wednesday turns into an invitation to a weekend of debauchery.  Melt the winter from your bones with the heat of passion, and do it this week.  Domestic chores will be done by a silent leather hooded figure.

Leo: Your audience awaits, but the stage hands are hungover and have shaky hands from that cheap weed from Etobicoke.  Things improve on Tuesday, but you will be unable to quit smoking let alone get rid of that annoying rasp in your throat.  The weekend orgy starts on Friday, around lunch.

Virgo: Your good suggestions go straight into the ears of The War God.  Expect the standard guild rates on commission.  Early Saturday comes the first hint that you should strip off your clothes and run around naked.

Libra: Your dutiful volunteer work pays off when the old codger with dementia tells you where the money is hidden.  Share your hip flask of brandy with a benefactor.

Scorpio: Crazed primates inhabiting human bodies make your public life experience a war zone on Monday.  Dangers lurk on the road, in the shopping mall, and in any place where baked goods are sold.  Tuesday, you will awake with Monday being but a fading memory.

Sagittarius: People want you to tell them what to do.  Then they can grumble about it, disagree, complain, and return to doing nothing.  Surrender yourself to adventure and you will find yourself at the threshold of a summer long orgy.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.  Hide your glee, lest your minions slack from their toil.  A long running illusion is in need of landscaping maintenance.  Your quick attentions will lead to temporary relief, but you should be visualizing how to profit and prepare from the inevitable.

Aquarius: Your knowledge of the condominium market will prove profitable this week.  This will translate into a future relationship based on respect.  Do not take the lid off the ant farm, even if you do get a better view.

Pisces: Someone, in the course of a relationship dispute, has dumped several interesting but non native species of fish into a body of water that you are tempted to go swimming in.  Better for you to be the person doing the heroic rescuing, than the half eaten decomposing body.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Stress School

Nothing says work day morning more than night time insomnia, nightmares, and feelings of dread like you are dipped in maple syrup and rolled in bran.  Getting out of bed is just an invitation to madness.  In the darkness, as you stumble to the bathroom for a refreshing glass of water, there is no respite from the certain premonition of doom.  You are doomed.  You can see your own failed future as surely as you know installed software will not work.  Public transit is an invitation to the diversity culture of ebola, tuberculosis, and bedbugs.  Public highways are the Roman arena, but instead of chariots, barbarians, and hot sand, you have cars, third world drivers, and pot holed pavements.  Your workplace has the brain fungus infection of political correctness: quota based promotions have displaced ability, hours of work time are replaced with hours of sensitivity brainwashing, and your suspicions that there is a bathroom sex ring hogging the stalls where you used to have a relaxing dump could get you fired if you whispered your mind to human resources.  They are many, you are few.  You have no refuge, no private moments of decompression in a quiet place.  You can trust no one: The merest utterance critical of political correctness can be used by the cockroaches of informant culture to leverage themselves into a human resources management position.  If you punch a cop in the face, you will be shot, and no baby momma will name their most recent bastard after you.  You are stressed.  You are on a crusade for rest from anxiety.  I know how you feel.  I have felt the same way.  I have found that there are like minded, caring people, who want to help.  You can find help at the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence. Come to stress school.  Become whole again.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2014

Advertising makes us here at Mitchieville happy.  This weeks' Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2014, is brought to you by The Pork Parts Producers Association of Ontario.  So, before we go on to what you actually want to read, namely a personal map to the future, you will instead be fed fact distorting propaganda.  The truth is that most of the pigs out there in Ontario are bred and fed, fattened up, for the human spare parts industry.  But let me let you decide for yourself...

Aries:  This is a sleepy week for you, Aries.  The outside weather is made for taking a nap while everyone else is off doing your bidding.  A foreign war will bring you fast and easy investment profits. Brilliant ideas will come to your in your sleep.  You will learn that recharging someone's cell phone will put them into a deep hypnotic sleep while the cell phone recharges.

Taurus:  There are some amazing deals available at your local gardening center.  It does not matter what you need, they have it.  You will be excited, and your materialist nature rewarded, when you spend your disposable income.   You deserve it, Taurus.  The more you spend, the more Set, the Snake God, will reward you with power, riches, sexual pleasures, and youthful vigor.

Gemini:  You need a motorcycle.  You have always wanted to have a motorcycle.  You shall have a motorcycle this week!  Freedom is your birthright, so use it wisely.  What better way that to take up an unfamiliar set of physical tasks and risk the integrity of your skeletal structure against a transitory feeling of well being?  You will learn an important lesson this week, Gemini.

Cancer:  Your impressive efforts at preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse now are challenged by the reality needs of group survival. Let the word Warlord cross your lips with yourself as the subject at least once this week.  Your people will be Organized.  This week, you consolidate Your People into an efficient social contract.  This is your destiny for the week, Cancer: As Lawgiver, draw up the Social Contract.

Leo: The Roman Empire fell because of a failure to develop generally accepted accounting practices.  Without double entry accounting, Rome fell, armies went unpaid, crops were left to rot in the fields, and barbarians went without exposure to marketing and advertising.  There truth is out there, it is plain to see.  Your mission of destiny is to cast your understanding into the future, Leo. 

Virgo:  It is a mystery of the Economic gods as to why when we are so poor that we have access to so much.  This week you learn the lesson that it is the ripples from the thought objects we throw into the hypothetical pool of possibilities that bring us wealth.  Re shaping your thought objects is your goal this week, Virgo.  You may unleash the Zombie Apocalypse, but at least your were learning something.

Libra:  Your week is just one long orgy, Libra.  That means sex and lots of it.  You will not be doing much thinking this week.  Your sense desires for sensual pleasures overwhelms your reasoning, and bends your practical mind to an all you can eat buffet that is your week.  You will meet a romantic stranger, of course.  When you go into the wrong room at the hotel, you will find a bag of money.  Take it. It is yours to spend.

Scorpio:  The pleasures of command are yours this week as you special skills are turned to strategy in an intergalactic war.  While you sleep, Scorpio, your mind is seconded to the administration of a numberless war fought across endless landscapes, with Newtonian mechanics based weapons.  You will have dreams, perhaps nightmares and indigestion.  While you are awake, Anubisys, the Supreme War God pampers your physical needs.

Sagittarius:  Extend the number of hours you play at computer games this week.  The Invisible Hand of the Market will reward you with exciting offers and time sensitive give aways.  Firmware updates mean that you are playing for real on some distant planet.  How much do you really care?  Choose wisely, there are promotions to be had in the service of The Invisible Hand.

Capricorn:  The future is dark.  Without oil there is so much of our culture missing.  What will pass away, Capricorn?  Invest in the future.  Let the word plantation pass your lips at least once this week.  Your neighbors will become sharecroppers.  Your sharecroppers.  Learn to keep the love alive in the darkness. Your Chinese name is King Rat, Delicious Cake, or Work Horse of Huan. You have choices.

Aquarius:  Anubisys, the Supreme War God, is needful of your service, this week.  Someone has to direct Masterpieces of Torture on Film.  You can personalize your space, of course.  This is a good piece of advice:  Erect boundaries between yourself and your questionable co-workers.  Only you can differentiate between Masterpieces on Torture of Film and Masterpieces of Torture of Film.  Essay topic.

Pisces:   It is infrequent for you to acknowledge your evil side.  This is a piece of inner work that most of your kind leave to the last, for good reason.  There are greater demons imprisoned by your careful, sin driven pagan magicks.  When you unleash them on an unsuspecting population it makes you laugh.  This could make you unpopular.  Your wizards robes need a summer airing  with forest air and barbeque smoke.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Horoscope for the week of July 13, 2014

Misrule by committee begins on Monday and lasts until Wednesday.  Then a day of misrule by misunderstanding.  A great champion appears on Thursday: a Hero in the East.  This person is beloved of Invincible Mithras.  A clumsy coalition forms on Friday to attempt to ignore the Hero.  And that leads into the month of Leo.  With a backdrop of grubby incompetents, corrupt shadow dwellers, and fear motivated minions, the Hero is needed, appreciated, and glorious.

Aries:  You have the tools and resources available, unfortunately leadership is short sighted and pleasure centered.  After Monday, circular reasoning and counter circular leadership means you pretty much get to do what you want anyway.   

Taurus:  Ignore the big picture and concentrate on domestic tasks.  Your bountiful harvest in the fall is proportionate to your efforts this week.  Take delight in using the wrong tool for the task. 

Gemini:  You get to advance your secret agenda this week.  Nobody is paying much attention to details, so make sure those details steer things your way.  You will find a secret.

Cancer:  You will win the lottery this week.  This will throw your plans into chaos.  Grit your teeth and force yourself to rewrite your master plan to include total world domination.

Leo:  You are a star.  The sooner people realize this, the better for them.  Expect big things to start happening in your life on Thursday.  Get some rest before hand.

Virgo:  Cats cannot be herded, unless your drone designs are accepted by a sympathetic munitions interest.  You have other good ideas, but they are a few years too early. 

Libra:  Be careful in the kitchen.  Someone will be accidentally poisoned at dinner on Wednesday.  As for work, your good ideas will take a while to circulate back to you.  Practice with your yo-yo.

Scorpio:  Unusual sexual demands will be made which will intrigue you.  Explore the Japanese export markets for bargains.  There are not enough shoe laces in your escape bag.

Sagittarius:  Things will get appreciably better when you hand off a difficult assignment to an expert from afar.  You will be recognized as a member of a secret society you have never heard of.

Capricorn:  You will be the first to recognize the serious implications of the events on Thursday.  Put your papers in order.  Consider doing some shopping for new underwear.

Aquarius:  A sudden scientific development will intrigue you.  Relationships are highlighted.  You are never too old to learn new tricks.

Pisces:  A stranger in a crowd will act like they know you.  You will find the answers you seek from this chance encounter.  This will occur on Wednesday in a crowded place.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Horoscope for the week of July 6, 2014

Avoid crowds on Sunday, especially at places of public amusement.  Electricity, of some form, will be involved, so standing around in puddles of water, or expecting computer devices to function correctly will not be a good idea.  On Monday, the Sunday crisis is carried over to the capable hands of soldiers and surgeons.  On Wednesday, it happens again, but different.  This time, the sluggish bureaucracy is prepared and intervenes, so expect fewer casualties.  On Thursday, the bureaucracy is firmly in control, and the corrupt electorate is bought, massaged, and given lollipops.  By Saturday, the powers behind the throne are turning crisis into opportunity.  This should be an exciting week, and the responses of the higher social powers will give you much insight into their secret agendas.  

Aries:  The flow of life is going at cross purposes to your personal agenda this week, Aries.  Be cautious making left turns, or around people making left turns.  Distrust all car signals.  Those signalling right might be turning left.  The fewer people around you the better.

Taurus:  Your Sunday dinner is in danger of ruin.  Distractions will lead to recipe failure.  Gird your loins and assert your mastery over the kitchen staff.  You can easily do two things at once, but three will be pushing the eject button of disaster.

Gemini:  Everything is going according to plan.  Your mastery of chaos proves champion as you juggle the incompetent, lazy, and hot tempered minions under your command.  As for the plan, best to write it down after the fact and burnish your image.

Cancer:  Expect a surprise Wednesday.  The fire suppression system is fully capable of handling the electrical fire.  Avoid going under ground for sexual liaisons as you will be discovered by an outraged spouse.  Pay attention to the fortune cookie left behind.

Leo:  Between Thursday and Saturday is a good time to realize what a wonderful person you really are.  Things have been a little grim lately, and will be until then.  Remember the cleansing power of fire, especially with insect pests.

Virgo:  You will be impressed by the professionalism of the staff of the company that has the maintenance contract for your private disintegration chamber.  Some routine upkeep is required for your shoe collection.

Libra:  You will pass off a disagreeable project to a disagreeable person on Monday.  James Bond does not drink wine from the bottle.  Someone else knows about your hidden camera.

Scorpio:  Always be prepared to attend an orgy.  Battery powered toys are safe, but ones powered by cords could malfunction.  You are sexually irresistible on Wednesday.

Sagittarius:  You are the agent of the forces of Justice on Thursday.  You are the hero, the person who saves the day, protects the weak, and is incorruptible. You will win the lottery.

Capricorn:  Your mail order guide to Spontaneous Human Combustion will arrive later than you expected.  A small opportunity is lost, but a far greater one gained. 

Aquarius:  If an electrical device is broken, do not attempt to repair it.  Let someone else do it.  Your fingers are best attached to your hand. 

Pisces:  You will pass a neighbors car that has a person locked in the trunk.  There is a mystery here which will unravel over the next three weeks.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Horoscope for the week of June 29, 2014

Something is bubbling in the collective unconscious.  On Monday, the issue rises to the conscious level.  On Wednesday, a consensus forms.  And on Saturday, the issue becomes subordinated to the usual suspicious factions of self interest.  Ah yes, the long term insidious effects of Pluto in Capricorn, where voters vote against their own interests, politicians campaign on issues and then, elected, work against them.  This is all part of the destruction construction process of Pluto in the newly minted Age of Aquarius.  Be observant in your own life for the issue that bubbles up Monday, finds definition Wednesday, and becomes subverted by Saturday.

Aries:  The accident you suffered last week is now into healing mode.  You are distracted by short term and small issue needs of the shallow, appearances only crowd.  Buck up, Aries.  You have had a profound experience which will find correct expression, but not this week.  Ruminate until the 27th of July, at which point you will be unleashed.

Taurus:  This week will be a challenge for your ability to do two things at one time, to think one way, and act another.  Older people are the agents of your oppression.  You are well aware that your long term strategic goals hinge upon short term tactical efforts.  To wit: feign retreat to lure the foe into ambush.

Gemini:  Be warned, you will be handed a hot potato on Wednesday.  This will be one of those unsolvable problems that you have not the mandate, resources, nor agenda to solve.  Use your bureaucratic skills of obfuscation to delay until Saturday, when a more deserving sacrificial lamb steps forward.  Think referral fees.

Cancer:  Let the big fish deal with the big picture.  You are doing just fine.  Resources become available in a step wise fashion: they arrive Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday.  Your project of expansion is aided by your continuing streak of good luck, good choices, and good friends.

Leo:  Take your clothes off and run around naked every day this week.  This is a clever way of saying that the problems of other people belong to other people, not you.  The peasants should not be crawling to you with all their problems all the time, O King of the Zodiac.

Virgo:  You will be handed all most all of the resources you need to solve two strategic problems in your life on Wednesday.  So what?  Evolution has not caught up to your advanced state, which is a pity.  Download occurs on Saturday.

Libra:  You will have the opportunity for a new romance Saturday, even if the paper pushing requirements of life keep you distracted until then.  Be prepared to party.  You have a secret admirer, of course.  Look around to see who is pining for your caress.

Scorpio:  Invention and industry are at your command.  Unfortunately, you are under the command of fickle fashion and shallow tastes.  Renew your allegiance to your secret agenda.  This is the time to put aside resources and information for your future campaigns of self interest.

Sagittarius:  Good thing you are good at thinking on your feet.  You are beholden to the agenda of others this week, and the others keep changing.  Think of yourself as a Roman Army commander.  The emperor keeps changing.  Your mission is to keep your troops loyal ... to you.

Capricorn:  Everything is going according to plan.  The plan is patience, endurance, and those stubborn skills you have in spades.  Which is good, but somewhat frustrating.  Listen to good advice, learn from invention, and break down and have some fun.

Aquarius:  You are the servant of the War God this week.  In an indirect way, your musings and judgements are of value to those who push pawns around the chess board of life.  Capture and share your thoughts for the appreciation of others.  You have powerful friends.

Pisces:  Ships may sink under you this week, but you will be found dry and content aboard a lifeboat.  Have confidence that you are going the right way, even as the herd heads towards their doom.  It would be in your best interests to re read Freud's Interpretation of Dreams.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.