Sunday, July 6, 2014

Horoscope for the week of July 6, 2014

Avoid crowds on Sunday, especially at places of public amusement.  Electricity, of some form, will be involved, so standing around in puddles of water, or expecting computer devices to function correctly will not be a good idea.  On Monday, the Sunday crisis is carried over to the capable hands of soldiers and surgeons.  On Wednesday, it happens again, but different.  This time, the sluggish bureaucracy is prepared and intervenes, so expect fewer casualties.  On Thursday, the bureaucracy is firmly in control, and the corrupt electorate is bought, massaged, and given lollipops.  By Saturday, the powers behind the throne are turning crisis into opportunity.  This should be an exciting week, and the responses of the higher social powers will give you much insight into their secret agendas.  

Aries:  The flow of life is going at cross purposes to your personal agenda this week, Aries.  Be cautious making left turns, or around people making left turns.  Distrust all car signals.  Those signalling right might be turning left.  The fewer people around you the better.

Taurus:  Your Sunday dinner is in danger of ruin.  Distractions will lead to recipe failure.  Gird your loins and assert your mastery over the kitchen staff.  You can easily do two things at once, but three will be pushing the eject button of disaster.

Gemini:  Everything is going according to plan.  Your mastery of chaos proves champion as you juggle the incompetent, lazy, and hot tempered minions under your command.  As for the plan, best to write it down after the fact and burnish your image.

Cancer:  Expect a surprise Wednesday.  The fire suppression system is fully capable of handling the electrical fire.  Avoid going under ground for sexual liaisons as you will be discovered by an outraged spouse.  Pay attention to the fortune cookie left behind.

Leo:  Between Thursday and Saturday is a good time to realize what a wonderful person you really are.  Things have been a little grim lately, and will be until then.  Remember the cleansing power of fire, especially with insect pests.

Virgo:  You will be impressed by the professionalism of the staff of the company that has the maintenance contract for your private disintegration chamber.  Some routine upkeep is required for your shoe collection.

Libra:  You will pass off a disagreeable project to a disagreeable person on Monday.  James Bond does not drink wine from the bottle.  Someone else knows about your hidden camera.

Scorpio:  Always be prepared to attend an orgy.  Battery powered toys are safe, but ones powered by cords could malfunction.  You are sexually irresistible on Wednesday.

Sagittarius:  You are the agent of the forces of Justice on Thursday.  You are the hero, the person who saves the day, protects the weak, and is incorruptible. You will win the lottery.

Capricorn:  Your mail order guide to Spontaneous Human Combustion will arrive later than you expected.  A small opportunity is lost, but a far greater one gained. 

Aquarius:  If an electrical device is broken, do not attempt to repair it.  Let someone else do it.  Your fingers are best attached to your hand. 

Pisces:  You will pass a neighbors car that has a person locked in the trunk.  There is a mystery here which will unravel over the next three weeks.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

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