Horoscope for the Month of March, 2012

A special child will be conceived this month: one to be born in the auspicious month of December, 2012. The followers of Set, the Snake God have been anticipating the birth of a personage of great power and influence in that month, as per their sacred writings. It is too early yet to tell under which sign the mother will be, although it can be narrowed down to the signs of Libra, Capricorn, or Aquarius. If you find yourself in the position of birth control failure, or a pharmacist wearing the distinctive serpent ring of that sect, you could well be the parent of this special child. You will also draw the attention of devotees of that sect, in the form of extra helpful strangers, offers of credit cards in the mail, or clean cut youth coming to your door pretending to be Christian missionaries.

Aries: Things will be going backwards for you all month, Aries. Around the time of the full moon on the 9th, you will experience your clocks going backwards. If you have internet and access to a dial up stock market trading utility, you can turn this to your advantage. The presence will be strongest in one room of you house. You might want to spend some time in a motel during this time. Then leave. After the full moon, electrical effects more familiar to theoretical physicists will occur in your vicinity, usually within 3.14 meters of your center of mass.

Taurus: After the 6th of March, your life picks up, Taurus. You have until the 14th to dispose of any reminders you have stashed in your trunk from your days of road rage from February. The 14th is the best day to buy a lottery ticket; you will win the lottery this month. Your life will also be punctuated with invitations to orgies, drunken debaucheries, and wild excesses of eating; all tied to the political process. Somebody wants your vote, Taurus. Your friends in organized crime will seek out your advice on a financial matter.

Gemini: The days between the 3rd and the 24th will be the best days of the month for you, Gemini. Fire will be your servant, so always carry fire making materials with you on your person. You might want to make a stash of a few jugs of bar b que starter in your car. This in addition to your usual Zombie fighting gear, which every sensible Gemini has handy. Your witty retorts will lead to a telemarketing operation shutting down after one of your legendary telephone confrontations in the second week of the month. Be careful who you call as you can unleash certain doom with your touch tone phone.

Cancer: Your fears of the collapse of civilization will be unfounded this month, Cancer. Be careful walking at night around the full moon on the 8th; and try to walk your dog before sunset. If some stranger comes to the door after sunset, have a full clip of those silver alloy rounds ready. Be very wary around garbage cans that have been disturbed by some animal. Let someone else deal with those large critters. The best days of the month for you are 3rd and 30th. Most especially the 3rd. Even a hum-drum invitation to the local swingers club will prove advantageous to your career.

Leo: Find an excuse to attend religious services between the start of the month and the 20th. Get your spiritual needs for the year out of your system before the 25th, when you will notice that your favorite supermarket parking lot is being used by space aliens for transhipment of fresh produce and dairy products to resupply their ships. After that date, you will find (in or close to an elevator) a space alien smart phone with a somewhat inscrutable drop down menu. Do not sleep with it under your pillow, but rather let it recharge close to where a house pet sleeps.

Virgo: Your technical skills and attention to detail will be challenged this month, Virgo. Initially by the forces of chaos. After you triumph over chaos, you will find yourself in a leadership position. On the weekend of the 3rd you will make an astounding discovery, and have the opportunity to create an astounding invention, provided you master the idea by the 12th. In the second half of the month your physical efforts will bring you rich material rewards. Help an old lady across the street.

Libra: Your month starts off turbulent, filled with people having the temerity to disagree with you or not jump to your orders with sufficient zeal. A sea change occurs after the first week, when practical concerns of shopping and spending money take precedence, which implies you will have wheelbarrows of cash to squander in your best possible taste. Around the middle of the month you will win the lottery, with this associated with some sort of gardening supply store or place where better seeds and trowels are sold. A magic scarf will come to you. Treasure it.

Scorpio: The keys to the treasure chests of Hades will be delivered to you this month, around the 15th, I would say. Unfortunately, the chests are located in a rather gloomy place, so do wear suitable clothes and footwear. Only take treasures, for the other objects you may find will want to return to their, uh, original owner. Be prepared. Think big picture. As the month wanes, a nebulous figure, cloaked as some sort of bureaucracy will move against you. When you are still, you are invisible to them. The more you move, the more the spider will sense your movements.

Sagittarius: This is a pleasant month of contemplating your material wealth. Not until after the 21st will your war like nature be reminded of the task of saving mankind from itself. Earlier in the month, around the 13th, an agent of the reforming Knights Templar will make contact with you concerning banking reform. Your opinions are appreciated. Do not hold back. You will be rewarded with a seductive adventure with a tempting example of the gender you prefer. Those Templars know how to party.

Capricorn: The War God makes use of your many talents, even as the dreamy eyed idealists block your ambitions. Things are just going backwards, but position yourself to be heading towards a pit so that you will be backing away. Use your clever wits to work this. In the last week of the month, something exciting will occur which will none the less keep you from your daily plans, which is to say: stay home when the riots break out.

Aquarius: Your mind will be filled with good ideas for inventions, developments, and future actions, especially in the first full week of the month. Write down your ideas, capture them, if only to prove to yourself later how brilliant you are. You will be the star of the party on the weekends in the middle of the month, but do wear matching socks, even if you are opposed to the idea for political reasons. Take your clothes off in public at least once this month.

Pisces: Your ability to control the minds of others grows this month. It will peak on the 20th of the month, even if it will bring you some sort of food reward on the 7th. After the 21st, the mundane imposes on your growing powers. A car repair looms, but you will not have to pay for it if you listen to the whispers of your subconscious. As the month wanes, avoid sexual activity that will send you back to jail, even if they beg for release, offer money, or chocolate cinnamon cheesecake dusted with macadamia.

Confidential to Colonel Juan in Bogota: Your plans are without flaw. The shipment arrives Wednesday. The messenger will identify himself as Walter from Prussia. Talk about old times when you discover that he is an old school friend.