Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2014

Advertising makes us here at Mitchieville happy.  This weeks' Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2014, is brought to you by The Pork Parts Producers Association of Ontario.  So, before we go on to what you actually want to read, namely a personal map to the future, you will instead be fed fact distorting propaganda.  The truth is that most of the pigs out there in Ontario are bred and fed, fattened up, for the human spare parts industry.  But let me let you decide for yourself...

Aries:  This is a sleepy week for you, Aries.  The outside weather is made for taking a nap while everyone else is off doing your bidding.  A foreign war will bring you fast and easy investment profits. Brilliant ideas will come to your in your sleep.  You will learn that recharging someone's cell phone will put them into a deep hypnotic sleep while the cell phone recharges.

Taurus:  There are some amazing deals available at your local gardening center.  It does not matter what you need, they have it.  You will be excited, and your materialist nature rewarded, when you spend your disposable income.   You deserve it, Taurus.  The more you spend, the more Set, the Snake God, will reward you with power, riches, sexual pleasures, and youthful vigor.

Gemini:  You need a motorcycle.  You have always wanted to have a motorcycle.  You shall have a motorcycle this week!  Freedom is your birthright, so use it wisely.  What better way that to take up an unfamiliar set of physical tasks and risk the integrity of your skeletal structure against a transitory feeling of well being?  You will learn an important lesson this week, Gemini.

Cancer:  Your impressive efforts at preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse now are challenged by the reality needs of group survival. Let the word Warlord cross your lips with yourself as the subject at least once this week.  Your people will be Organized.  This week, you consolidate Your People into an efficient social contract.  This is your destiny for the week, Cancer: As Lawgiver, draw up the Social Contract.

Leo: The Roman Empire fell because of a failure to develop generally accepted accounting practices.  Without double entry accounting, Rome fell, armies went unpaid, crops were left to rot in the fields, and barbarians went without exposure to marketing and advertising.  There truth is out there, it is plain to see.  Your mission of destiny is to cast your understanding into the future, Leo. 

Virgo:  It is a mystery of the Economic gods as to why when we are so poor that we have access to so much.  This week you learn the lesson that it is the ripples from the thought objects we throw into the hypothetical pool of possibilities that bring us wealth.  Re shaping your thought objects is your goal this week, Virgo.  You may unleash the Zombie Apocalypse, but at least your were learning something.

Libra:  Your week is just one long orgy, Libra.  That means sex and lots of it.  You will not be doing much thinking this week.  Your sense desires for sensual pleasures overwhelms your reasoning, and bends your practical mind to an all you can eat buffet that is your week.  You will meet a romantic stranger, of course.  When you go into the wrong room at the hotel, you will find a bag of money.  Take it. It is yours to spend.

Scorpio:  The pleasures of command are yours this week as you special skills are turned to strategy in an intergalactic war.  While you sleep, Scorpio, your mind is seconded to the administration of a numberless war fought across endless landscapes, with Newtonian mechanics based weapons.  You will have dreams, perhaps nightmares and indigestion.  While you are awake, Anubisys, the Supreme War God pampers your physical needs.

Sagittarius:  Extend the number of hours you play at computer games this week.  The Invisible Hand of the Market will reward you with exciting offers and time sensitive give aways.  Firmware updates mean that you are playing for real on some distant planet.  How much do you really care?  Choose wisely, there are promotions to be had in the service of The Invisible Hand.

Capricorn:  The future is dark.  Without oil there is so much of our culture missing.  What will pass away, Capricorn?  Invest in the future.  Let the word plantation pass your lips at least once this week.  Your neighbors will become sharecroppers.  Your sharecroppers.  Learn to keep the love alive in the darkness. Your Chinese name is King Rat, Delicious Cake, or Work Horse of Huan. You have choices.

Aquarius:  Anubisys, the Supreme War God, is needful of your service, this week.  Someone has to direct Masterpieces of Torture on Film.  You can personalize your space, of course.  This is a good piece of advice:  Erect boundaries between yourself and your questionable co-workers.  Only you can differentiate between Masterpieces on Torture of Film and Masterpieces of Torture of Film.  Essay topic.

Pisces:   It is infrequent for you to acknowledge your evil side.  This is a piece of inner work that most of your kind leave to the last, for good reason.  There are greater demons imprisoned by your careful, sin driven pagan magicks.  When you unleash them on an unsuspecting population it makes you laugh.  This could make you unpopular.  Your wizards robes need a summer airing  with forest air and barbeque smoke.

Horoscope for the week of July 13, 2014

Misrule by committee begins on Monday and lasts until Wednesday.  Then a day of misrule by misunderstanding.  A great champion appears on Thursday: a Hero in the East.  This person is beloved of Invincible Mithras.  A clumsy coalition forms on Friday to attempt to ignore the Hero.  And that leads into the month of Leo.  With a backdrop of grubby incompetents, corrupt shadow dwellers, and fear motivated minions, the Hero is needed, appreciated, and glorious.

Aries:  You have the tools and resources available, unfortunately leadership is short sighted and pleasure centered.  After Monday, circular reasoning and counter circular leadership means you pretty much get to do what you want anyway.   

Taurus:  Ignore the big picture and concentrate on domestic tasks.  Your bountiful harvest in the fall is proportionate to your efforts this week.  Take delight in using the wrong tool for the task. 

Gemini:  You get to advance your secret agenda this week.  Nobody is paying much attention to details, so make sure those details steer things your way.  You will find a secret.

Cancer:  You will win the lottery this week.  This will throw your plans into chaos.  Grit your teeth and force yourself to rewrite your master plan to include total world domination.

Leo:  You are a star.  The sooner people realize this, the better for them.  Expect big things to start happening in your life on Thursday.  Get some rest before hand.

Virgo:  Cats cannot be herded, unless your drone designs are accepted by a sympathetic munitions interest.  You have other good ideas, but they are a few years too early. 

Libra:  Be careful in the kitchen.  Someone will be accidentally poisoned at dinner on Wednesday.  As for work, your good ideas will take a while to circulate back to you.  Practice with your yo-yo.

Scorpio:  Unusual sexual demands will be made which will intrigue you.  Explore the Japanese export markets for bargains.  There are not enough shoe laces in your escape bag.

Sagittarius:  Things will get appreciably better when you hand off a difficult assignment to an expert from afar.  You will be recognized as a member of a secret society you have never heard of.

Capricorn:  You will be the first to recognize the serious implications of the events on Thursday.  Put your papers in order.  Consider doing some shopping for new underwear.

Aquarius:  A sudden scientific development will intrigue you.  Relationships are highlighted.  You are never too old to learn new tricks.

Pisces:  A stranger in a crowd will act like they know you.  You will find the answers you seek from this chance encounter.  This will occur on Wednesday in a crowded place.

Horoscope for the week of July 6, 2014

Avoid crowds on Sunday, especially at places of public amusement.  Electricity, of some form, will be involved, so standing around in puddles of water, or expecting computer devices to function correctly will not be a good idea.  On Monday, the Sunday crisis is carried over to the capable hands of soldiers and surgeons.  On Wednesday, it happens again, but different.  This time, the sluggish bureaucracy is prepared and intervenes, so expect fewer casualties.  On Thursday, the bureaucracy is firmly in control, and the corrupt electorate is bought, massaged, and given lollipops.  By Saturday, the powers behind the throne are turning crisis into opportunity.  This should be an exciting week, and the responses of the higher social powers will give you much insight into their secret agendas.  

Aries:  The flow of life is going at cross purposes to your personal agenda this week, Aries.  Be cautious making left turns, or around people making left turns.  Distrust all car signals.  Those signalling right might be turning left.  The fewer people around you the better.

Taurus:  Your Sunday dinner is in danger of ruin.  Distractions will lead to recipe failure.  Gird your loins and assert your mastery over the kitchen staff.  You can easily do two things at once, but three will be pushing the eject button of disaster.

Gemini:  Everything is going according to plan.  Your mastery of chaos proves champion as you juggle the incompetent, lazy, and hot tempered minions under your command.  As for the plan, best to write it down after the fact and burnish your image.

Cancer:  Expect a surprise Wednesday.  The fire suppression system is fully capable of handling the electrical fire.  Avoid going under ground for sexual liaisons as you will be discovered by an outraged spouse.  Pay attention to the fortune cookie left behind.

Leo:  Between Thursday and Saturday is a good time to realize what a wonderful person you really are.  Things have been a little grim lately, and will be until then.  Remember the cleansing power of fire, especially with insect pests.

Virgo:  You will be impressed by the professionalism of the staff of the company that has the maintenance contract for your private disintegration chamber.  Some routine upkeep is required for your shoe collection.

Libra:  You will pass off a disagreeable project to a disagreeable person on Monday.  James Bond does not drink wine from the bottle.  Someone else knows about your hidden camera.

Scorpio:  Always be prepared to attend an orgy.  Battery powered toys are safe, but ones powered by cords could malfunction.  You are sexually irresistible on Wednesday.

Sagittarius:  You are the agent of the forces of Justice on Thursday.  You are the hero, the person who saves the day, protects the weak, and is incorruptible. You will win the lottery.

Capricorn:  Your mail order guide to Spontaneous Human Combustion will arrive later than you expected.  A small opportunity is lost, but a far greater one gained. 

Aquarius:  If an electrical device is broken, do not attempt to repair it.  Let someone else do it.  Your fingers are best attached to your hand. 

Pisces:  You will pass a neighbors car that has a person locked in the trunk.  There is a mystery here which will unravel over the next three weeks.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.