Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Horoscope for the week of January 22, 2012

The Sun finally transits out of Capricorn and into Aquarius, taking the personal edge off the bite of the various heavy influences of Pluto (money crisis), and Saturn (relationships). As the Age of Aquarius starts to flex its muscles (the internet) we are seeing the crumbling of the obsolete remnants of the Age of Pisces, and a few bits from just about everywhere.

Aries: You will have more than one opportunity to take off your clothes and jump into an orgy this week. Some slippery fun for you, and so pleasantly unexpected. Greater opportunities wait for you this week as well, Aries. Wear your most social underwear.

Taurus: You will find one of the lost Notebooks of Evil. There are many, but the one you find has been looking for you. This is one of the lost secrets, the knowledge of the existence of the Notebooks of Evil. Open it up, and enjoy, Taurus; it will be like reading a journal you once wrote yourself, or a scrapbook of happy childhood memories. Keep it secret, and listen to the whispers.

Gemini: At midnight on Sunday you will be able to predict the future. This secret power will be at its most magnificent and strongest then, but linger (and fade, alas) as the week progresses. Of course, nobody will pay attention to your revelations. Linger around mirrors, objects of silver, and smooth surfaced bodies of water to retain and strengthen this talent.

Cancer: At midnight on Sunday you will begin to realize that someone your know is a member of the Illuminati. As the week progresses, to the extent you understand this person, so too will you understand the true agenda, methods, and resources of the Ultimate Secret Society.

Leo: Everybody else seems to be having strange and occult experiences that you find yourself cast as a pillar of normal in a ball room of crazy. Early on Monday, on your commute to work, you will be well advised to leave the area of a mass hysteria. You live in the universe that co-exists with Frank Sinatra; do not be drawn into the darker realms of Curly, Larry, and Moe.

Virgo: The War God smiles upon you, approves your works, and admires your plans. The earth trembles under your feet, and your enemies are not long for the recycling pit of history. Gather dark and terrible resources from your supernatural patron, arm yourself with fear, and armor yourself with the invincible and the invisible.

Libra: The Gods of Love lust for your caress, and will manifest in the various forms most pleasing to your eyes, your senses, this week. Like the relentless quiet of the rising tide you will find yourself drawn into places of sensual delight: whatever pleases you most: food, booty, cars, or shoes. A shape shifter has come for you, a sex tourist, a magician. Only by looking into their eyes can you pin them down.

Scorpio: It is the wrong time of year for an insect invasion, but the night mares you have are a warning from your subconscious of the perils to come. Gather chemical weapons, poisoned traps, and crushing tools designed for annihilation. You are in the vanguard of the battle for civilization. Prepare for Total War.

Sagittarius: When you hear the Scottish bagpipes in the late of day before the sun sets, expect a messenger from an invisible realm. The message relates to food. There is a secret wisdom hidden in the food you eat, and a way of improving the world in the food you feed to others. There is wisdom in fortune cookies.

Beware mechanized snow removal equipment. Someone is going to get fed to the hungry, cold Gods of Winter, make sure it is not you. Let someone else drive, either that or keep a shovel, two bags of lime, and a few surplus tarps in your car. Otherwise, use brute force, intimidation, and gin to get your way when your lying tongue fails.

Aquarius: You will be in the center of an espionage scandal, in the sense of several sides with even more conflicting agendas, going at each other with lying words, counterfeit paperwork, and bags of money. What you do, what you say, what emotions you show on your face, are important this week. You will not have all the details as you experience intrigue. You will find a body in a closet on Tuesday, only to find the dead person reappear, quite alive, in the afternoon. Sssssh.

Pisces: You will win the lottery this week. While you may be tempted to excess in physical pleasures, decadent diversions, and intellectual explorations, you will find yourself driven towards power, mastery of the minds of others, and the affection of exotic house pets. New dinner attire is called for: something in white linen.

Confidential to Largo in Casablanca:
The Prussian accepts the bargain and will purchase the property at the price mentioned. Have the device prepared for assembly; an agent will contact you in the guise of a vodka salesman. If his name is not Boris, do not trust him.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

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