Sunday, April 7, 2013

Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2013

Is anyone in charge? A better question is 'who is not in charge'?. With two pairs of mutual reception (Saturn-Pluto, Mercury-Jupiter) and two planets in signs they rule (Mars, Neptune) everybody has an agenda. You will pay attention: both the Sun and Moon are exalted (Aries, and Pisces, respectively). The saving throw is the exalted Moon: this will keep casualties to a minimum, excepting sea battles, riots, and nuclear weapon induced tidal waves. Your destiny is written in the stars ...

Aries: The full arsenal of the War God is at your disposal this week, Aries. But the cluster bomb is not the right tool to deal with the spiders in the basement; and the can of bug spray won't do to fend off the dog piddling on your lawn. Test drive a car if offered.

Taurus: Calling higher authority for orders, clarification, or supplies will be futile this week, Taurus. The lines of communication are down and you are left in the lurch. Resist the temptation to buy the company supplies with your own money. Leave on time. Road side sex, or somewhere most unexpected, is featured this week.

Gemini: Opening a new bank account will just find you dealing with the same low intelligence monkeys that work for mafia banks. Are there any banks not run by organized crime? Grit your teeth and just tell them the lies they want to hear.

Cancer: Be careful around water; the larger the body of water, the more cautious you should be. Just bunker down during the time when the bars close and the drunks roam the streets. Bright sunlight and mountain air are what you need. You will find amazing deals in clothing on a random walk.

Leo: Terrorists move into your neighborhood, but nobody but you much notices. These newbies prove to be better neighbors than the last lot, but then again, they are not planning on putting down roots to last a lifetime. The Sun will shine when you go out into the rain. This will be noticed.

Virgo: Run silent, run deep. Be an observer of human behavior; and this is best done farther away and in darkness. You will learn things about yourself. Oh, and beware of contagion: be extra careful in food preparation. There are so many reasonable, logical distractions to your buying the winning lottery ticket that you should just buy and win for spite.

Libra: That extra set of clothes you keep in your car will prove handy after your underwear is ripped off at an orgy. A co-worker will notice an embarrassing bite mark that you missed covering up. You must choose between being naked under the furs, or naked on the satin sheets.

Scorpio: You have a supernatural level of sex appeal this week, Scorpio. They want your body to slake their lusts. Be wary of getting cornered by old people, especially in public washrooms. Just because they use a walker or cane does not mean they need it to get around.

Sagittarius: Change things 180 degrees with a strategic choice of music. Think outside the box, really outside the box. Small children will vex you. Stepping in dog dung is a warning to not proceed further.

Capricorn: It is hard to be hard on yourself when there is nothing wrong to be dismal about. Everything is going according to plan, in fact, happiness beyond expectations is upon you. Just roll with the pleasant spring weather. Read the writing on any rings that come into your possession.

Aquarius: Certain scary spirits have been dispatched to guard the secrets and treasures of the underworld. In myth and legend, heroes are sent out to subdue them. Guess what? You get to be a hero this week. Wear non-flammable clothing. You will have corresponding success in relationships and cement your attachment to your soul mate.

Pisces: You will have a prophetic dream this week. But since your week will be filled with vivid dreaming, which one is the prophesy? Find out who the person is that only you can see. Be discrete in your investigation as your associates will suspect you are batty if you are direct.

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