Saturday, April 6, 2013

Mattress Fungus Funding Crisis

There is a crisis in funding for Mattress Fungus. The capitalist running dog government of the devil Harper is cutting funding for the Experimental Lakes Area I choked on my morning granola when the CBC, yet again, voiced a weepy scientist bewailing the loss of this very important place where activist scientists can get paid to hang out in the summer. The ELA has its own 'save us' site. Save us, they croak. I hope they realize that their pleas for funding are cutting into croaking criticizing Mayor Ford. And the call for restoration of funding is competing with the need for funding to fight Mattress Fungus.

What is Mattress Fungus? It really is despicable and loathsome. Has anybody talked about it before you read about it here? Probably not. Just think about it. What would Mattress Fungus describe? Close your eyes, sit back in your chair, and relax. You know what a mattress is. You sleep on one, you know someone who sleeps on a mattress, you have, at some time, maybe even last night, slept on a mattress. Now, you know what fungus is. You have been around fungus. It grows on rotting food, in dark damp places that smell bad, and can be found inside walls. Fungus spores can be spread by insects, rats, and spiders. There is a smell associated with fungus: musty, sometimes called mildew. Fungus spreads through microscopic particles called spores. Anthrax is not a fungus. Now, take the idea of Mattress and put it together with Fungus. That idea is Mattress Fungus.

Why is Mattress Fungus important, Fenris? It sure is important. Something this deadly, that spreads so quickly, so easily through the air or on house pets or on your clothes if you visit somewhere, should have research funded. And is the devil Harper funding Mattress Fungus research? Heck no. Next time you wonder why you have insomnia, mysterious aches and pains, or wake up in the middle of the night, it could well be the onset of an attack of Mattress Fungus. You get colds or flu in the winter? Even though you had your flu shot? Maybe it is Mattress Fungus spores hatching in your lungs. This organism gets stronger each generation, adapts to living with its host, and becomes better at getting what it wants: your precious bodily fluids. It lives in darkness, where it feels safe because you cannot see it. Your house pets, your children, your flesh, are all just things to eat for this voracious fungus.

I am frightened: can Mattress Fungus be stopped, Fenris? Right now, no. You are hopeless, defenseless in the face of this ravenous fungus entity. You can inspect your mattress for signs of fungus infestation: but wear a mask, rubber gloves, bio war suit, goggles, and burn them afterwards. Once those spores get in your eyes, nostrils, mouth, ears, open cuts, anus, or other mucus membrane sphincter, they will rapidly start to multiply. Sickness sets in; death is a welcome relief. There is some evidence that Mattress Fungus has been weaponized by secret government scientists working for either a foreign power or for a military germ warfare defense command. Plain Jane Mattress Fungus is nothing compared to the lethal killer that is Weaponized Mattress Fungus. Ugly whispers state that the weaponized strain focuses upon the brain, takes over its victims (before they die of starvation) and induces them to spread more spores in public places. Mattress Fungus funding should be a top priority. Mattress Fungus funding failure is a crisis.

It is time for you to demand funding for yourself. You need a camping resort on a remote lake where you can gather statistics. How many beer caps can you pitch into a fire pit, per hour. Does background breeze or music selection affect beer cap pitching? Without funding, we will never know. We need funding for Mattress Fungus.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

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