Thursday, February 21, 2013

Astrology and Zombies

Zombies have surfaced from the collective subconscious. Foreshadowing of the coming apocalypse? Perhaps. A metaphor for something else? Perhaps. Serious students of the occult should apply their arcane knowledge. Regardless, you can use astrology to prepare yourself. Others may scoff, but you can rest smug and superior when they get their heads cracked open and their brains scooped out. Astrology can answer the three basic questions that might trouble you about your zombie experience: where will I be when I find out, how will they get me, and your ultimate fate when you become a zombie.

Aries: You will be the first to know about the zombie invasion. Nobody will listen to you, at first. They will scoff and tell you that you are being silly. Being ahead of your time is part of your destiny, Aries. Now it is time to use your foreknowledge to save your skin. Excuse yourself, or just run like hell. Leave the scoffers to die like flies.

 Zombies have a strong attraction to your head, Aries. It is the chocolate cheese cake covered with cherries of brains and the mere aroma can get zombies to drool. They can smell your tasty brain at a range of about twenty feet. Keep this in mind if you decide to hide anywhere. The average zombie will try to eat your brains before they kill you properly, and will not wait for others before they get their spoons out. You are in real danger of having your head opened and brain scooped out while you are still alive. Rub an onion on your head to cover the tasty scent of your brain, Aries. Stay away from cinnamon, cardamon, and nutmeg.

Do not fall for any scientist telling you that he just wants to strap you into a chair for 'research'. You will probably end up in some sort of survivalist hold out during the zombie invasion, and astrology tells us that the resident mad scientist will select you for a secret experiment. Having your brain scooped out for zombie lure should not be in your game plan. It won't work anyway, believe me.

 As a zombie, you will not last very long, Aries. You will inevitably get your head blown off by a shotgun blast, or decapitated by some booby trap crafted by some desperate survivor with a mechanical streak. As well, you sign tends to be a 'lone wolf' zombie, hunting alone, avoiding the pack attacks other signs prefer. You will find ventilation ducts and closets and shower stalls great places to lurk in as you hunt for brains. Lone wolf zombies have a lesser success rate than the average, group attack zombie.

 Taurus: You will be eating when you first find out about the zombie invasion. This is your weakest moment, Taurus. Pushing away from the trough is always hard for your sign. If you do manage to survive those crucial first moments, and make it to that cache of weapons every Taurus has hidden away, you have a good chance to survive the initial attack. A Taurus with a tablespoon is an armed Taurus, and should not be underestimated.

The zombies will go for your neck, Taurus. One or a few will wrap their cold, decaying hands around your neck and squeeze. Many zombies find the blood vessels in the Taurus neck attractive. They want to bite them, so do not let this confuse you with a vampire attack. Unfortunately, you will get covered with zombie gore, blood, and pus which will probably infect you, even if you do manage to rip a few zombies apart with your unnatural strength and expert knowledge gained from deboning chicken.

Taurus, when infected with the zombie contagion, lasts the longest before transition. The few half-people, half-zombies that make it to those secret military hospitals will be your sign. A mad scientist will inevitably use you for some experiments, and have you strapped down as he saws and samples your bodily fluids. Before you slip away into the waking death of being a zombie, you will have the satisfaction of gnawing off his face when you slip your shackles.

As a zombie, Taurus is usually the one to break down the doors that survivors are hiding behind. Any sort of sports heroes leading the human survivors will fall to the undead hands of a Taurus. And shapely members of the opposite sex seem to be easy prey for the Taurus zombie. Being the first through the door is not good for zombie survival, nor is going after some chainsaw wielding hockey player.

Gemini: You will be in a public place when the zombies attack, and you will be there with a friend or co-worker. The wounded friend you drag to safety will inevitably be infected with the zombie contagion, and turn on you when your back is turned in a surprise attack. You could well be lured into a zombie den inside a post office, coffee shop, or vitamin supplement store. Those signs advertising ridiculous savings: zombie propaganda luring you to your horrible death. Do not let ex caveat emptor be your last words, Gemini.

Zombies will attack you in large numbers, Gemini. No grabbing you out of the false ceiling, just a mass attack. Your best chance is to be trapped on an elevator, where you can pick the zombies off one by one as they crawl through the access hatch, but, as mentioned previously, someone on the elevator will get infected and turn on you.

At the secret military base, you will be mistaken for an infected person. If you wake up strapped down to a stretcher or chair, you could be in for a vivisection experience. If you manage to gnaw through your gag, you should be able to convince the mad scientist that you are not infected. As for your ability to convince him to not infect you, so as to study the development of the disease, that is another matter.

As a zombie, Gemini is one of the rare ones that use tools, can still read, and reason in a foggy, undead sort of way. The Gemini zombie will not be stepping on any land mines or walking into a room full of propane vapor. The zombie in the crowd that figures out just where the tasty humans are hiding will be a Gemini. In the end, your sort of zombie will end up in a wood chipper or blunder into a helicopter rotor.

Cancer: You will be at home, snug and secure when the zombie invasion is announced. Probably quite a distance from the first reports, too. Your home will be a refuge, and you will provide comfort to the survivors and partisans fighting for human survival. When you do face the zombies for the first time (several days into the struggle), it will be associated with water.

Zombies will come at you out of swimming pools, and crawl out of the sewers to get you, Cancer. Especially at night. If you hear strange sounds around water, look to your defense. Zombies can rot quietly underwater for quite a few hours, and crawl silently out of the murk to where you are quietly going about your business, Cancer. If you smell something bad, it is a rotting zombie. They will grab you about your chest, but there will be less than six of them at any one time. You could get infected when you punch a hole through a zombies rotting chest, and snag your fist on some decaying ribs.

In the mad scientists lab, your sign inevitably becomes indispensable. You will also clue into the futile nature of the 'research' going on and will lead the rebellion. Drowning a tyrant in a bathtub will be your fate, and a pleasant enough thing to do too. About the wild sexual escapades you will experience overseeing the mad scientists 'social experiments', the less said the better.

As a zombie, your sign will be the first to swim out to where tasty humans are hiding. Could be an island, a yacht, or just across a river. They will not be expecting this. Cancer zombies also tend to gain weight, as they are adept at scooping the remaining smears of gore out of brain cavities left behind by other, less efficient, zombies. Ultimately, the Cancer zombie is wiped out by air delivered spray, a pesticide of sorts, based on a common crop fungus fighter. Drowning or immersion in water never works.

Leo: You will be in a public place when you first become aware of the zombie invasion. Most likely, you will be the guy being interviewed on the street by a television crew when the mob arrives. Be aware that the television crew could be zombies, luring you in to make you into a banquet. Radio stations, beauty parlors, or childrens' toy stores are also places where zombies will lure you to your death.

An ex spouse, or someone you have had a relationship with will inevitably lead a crowd of brain hungry zombies after you. They will follow you, and know your habits, this vengeful ex lover. They are following your scent, actually. Abandon your pride and strip off your clothes as it is your underwear that they are following. If you wear a distinctive scent, lose that too. Rub yourself down with an onion at the first sign of a zombie invasion, Leo.

At the secret laboratory, the mad scientist will feel threatened by your commanding presence, even if you are only wearing a towel and stinking of onions. You are a threat to his authority, but you will be able to see that. Just slug him in the jaw and put him in his place. The people there will admire your natural leadership qualities and make you their leader.

As a zombie, you will be drawn to places where you were happy in the past, when you were alive. Other zombies will follow you as you track down ex lovers. Leo zombies retain the ability to drive and will set themselves up with a nice set of wheels and take the gang on long road trips, hunting down their high school contacts. These missions away from the pack are risky, though. Driving into human country is risky for a zombie, and the Leo zombie meets their end in a fire ball, be it an improvised molotov cocktail or an airstrike using napalm.

Virgo: Your distrust of conventional wisdom means that you are the second sign (after Aries) to be first aware of the zombie peril. Lucky is the group of skeptics where you are, Virgo, they will be swayed by your reasoned arguments and rally to defend themselves. You will also use your mechanical skills to make make shift devices to defend the survivors. If you have a chainsaw handy, you will inevitably survive. You can be lured into ambush in any sort of machine shop, electronics store, or bulk food emporium.

Zombies are attracted not to your sign, Virgo, but one of your companions in the struggle for survival. Not that your brains are not tasty and spoon ready, but someone around you is cheesecake to your oatmeal porridge. If they do get you, Virgo, it is because your chainsaw has run out of gas.

In the mad scientists lair, you will be of great assistance in manning the perimeter. You will also be the one to point out the simple mathematics error in the mad scientists calculations, leading to a solution to the zombie menace. A belief in fringe science will be to your advantage as you strap down subjects for vivisection, or dispose of contaminated 'waste' with fire. Always ask to use the flamethrower.

As a zombie, the Virgo will be the one who steps into a booby trap or walks into the elevator shaft. Even mangled, the Virgo zombie is the one whose parts crawl towards each other. Your sign is most capable of reassembly and it takes a good hot fire to really finish the job.

Libra Your sign will be one of the last to know about the zombie invasion. Even when you hear about it for the first time, it will not sound reasonable. Only when the first screams are heard will you take notice. You will be in a crowd, which is not good, because for zombies, a crowd is a fast food court in a shopping mall.

Zombie attack will take the form of hands reaching through a window, preceding a mass attack after the doors get pushed open. As your sign is law abiding when it comes to weapons, you may find your weapon of choice is better suited to dealing with noxious youth, and not zombies. You will regret your choice to not buy that flamethrower at that survivalist flea market; and your supply of explosives will be inadequate to the task, let alone far away where you cannot get your hands on it when you need. There is a good chance you will be lured to your death by a zombie road block, at a highway overpass, or close to a sports arena.

Few of your sign will make it to the secret military base. You will get used for propaganda purposes, in some sort of video or radio message. You will be asleep when the mad scientist is overthrown, and only find out about it later, after your shower and breakfast. You will not realize until later that the food is drugged with the sort of drugs that evil scientists use for social engineering: you will lose weight, gain muscle mass, and have multiple sex partners.

As a zombie, Libra makes a solid member of the team. Not the impetuous one that walks into the chainsaw, nor the sluggish one that is picked off from behind by a flamethrower, Libra is the happy medium, that gets a good grip and a good feed. Libra zombies do not suffer from weight gain from over gorging on brain matter, nor do they discolor, nor get covered in pustules from secondary blood born diseases like acne, herpes, or syphilis. Libra zombies retain most of their human appearance, and do not shuffle around with missing limbs or dragging intestines. They do, however, usually meet their end in some sort of mechanical contrivance, and are often stuffed into refrigerators or fast food freezers to meet their end.

Scorpio You will be having sex when the zombies attack. There might be distracting sounds of screaming and shattering windows as you are in the embrace of some hottie. Being naked or dressed in your stylish fetish gear is no way to fight off a zombie attack, unfortunately. However, the sheen of sweat makes your slippery to grab a hold of. If you use a cinnamon flavored lovers lube, your fate will be sealed. If you can escape with your clothes, you should be ok. Just pretend you have been surprised by some jealous spouse. You have experienced that often enough, Scorpio.

Zombies are attracted to something that smells good on your body, Scorpio. Being naturally virile, your sign has a scent suggestive of a tasty brain. Your spine and nerve tissue is like a good cup of coffee to the undead. They will come at you when you are having sex, or ambush you in a theater, library, or when you are driving. Driving through a crowd of zombies is always a good idea, but use a big car, not a convertible. They will get you from the back seat. Motorcycle escapes may be attractive, but some zombie will just stick his hand into the drive chain. Wear good boots, otherwise you will get infected though a bite to the foot, or have a broken bone stump jabbed into your ankle.

In the mad scientists laboratory, your insights into zombie behavior will help find a solution to the problem. Unfortunately, the fools running the installation will not implement it due a misguided affection for a 'Green' solution. Zombie invasion is no time for recycling, now is it. When you strangle the mad scientist, remember the five minute rule.

As a zombie, your sign is the hardest to kill and the cleverest at infiltration. The zombie that gets onto the escape elevator or into the escape aircraft is inevitably a Scorpio. Hence, weight gain will be a problem and the usual reason for the end of your signs career as a zombie. After porking down all the brain matter found on the crowded elevator, you won't be able to leave out the escape hatch. As for the escape plane, your sign will be too busy eating brains to actually fly it. It will fly into a tall building, ending your undead existence.

Sagittarius A scientist or science channel (radio, television, internet) will bring the peril of the zombie invasion to your attention. You will be close to or on a hill or mountain; alternatively close to or on a college campus.

The zombies will get you from below, Sagittarius. They will grab your thighs and infect you with their drool. Better to be in a situation where you are defending yourself with a ranged weapon, than close quarters combat. If you can keep your legs protected, the more the better. You are likely to be ambushed around a school, church, or book store. Libraries are places of peril for your sign: they will get your through the stacks.

Regardless of your academic qualifications, your sign will find itself leading or in a position of importance at the secret laboratory or military base where the survivors of the zombie attack find themselves. While vivisection may trouble your conscience, it won't when you realize how important it is to get to the bottom of the mystery. The food is drugged, of course: your will become a sexual object as well as a research assistant, even as your body fat disappears, your muscles harden, and your virility pagan god like.

As a zombie, Sagittarius will last until the end, and that end will be a ball of fire. Nuclear annihilation in some cases, but most likely some sort of propane or napalm incendiary. It better be hot, because the Sagittarius zombie is the one that runs around on fire going 'Aaargh, aaargh'.

Capricorn Being the third sign strongly influenced by Mars (like Aries and Scorpio), your sign will also be forewarned about the zombie invasion before the commons. In those first hours, you will make a lot of money, because you will be the guy with what everybody wants: the mob thinks Vitamin C will stop the plague, you have a bottle of Vitamin C in your desk; your neighbor is trying to escape, you have your second car to sell him. In your heart, you think the zombie thing is really an environmentalist publicity stunt; which will persist until you can hear the screaming close by.

Watch your feet, Capricorn. Those zombies might get a grip on your head or arms, but if they get at your legs (especially the knees), you are done for. Zombies have an altered sense of smell and your feet smell like roses. Rub something powerful on them to mask the scent: onions, garlic, or a thymol based compound. Keep your legs covered to protect them from splashed gore, blood, and other zombie bodily fluids: those latex leggings you wear secretly to work will do fine. Your ability to climb will be to your advantage, but your last stand will take place underground or in an elevator shaft.

Your sign is one of the first to make its way to the secret laboratory. There you will meet several people who look similar to yourself. They even think like you. There will be a backstory there, as there are more Capricorns out there that you realize. This will give you a sense of peace and purpose, but hide it from the other emotionally traumatized survivors, as they will not understand such Saturnine motivations. You will form a natural alliance with the mad scientist running the institution, participate in all activities (defense, patrols, sentries, vivisection), and then be a key member in the coup, which will involve a rescue of a few shapely persons from bondage in the dungeon. You used to pay to watch this sort of scenario, now you will live it. Keep the thought 'this is fun; this is the best time of my life' to yourself, Capricorn.

As a zombie, the Capricorn is motivated by revenge. Anyone who has wronged you in the past has just garnished their heads with parsley. Your sign retains the ability to use impact weapons after transition, and your zombie self will use that to great effect to crack open skulls to get at the tasty brains inside. The dullard, short changing store clerk; the financial planner; the tax accountant; will all find a zombie horde scratching at their door, led by you. Capricorn zombies are the ones that gnaw off their own arms if handcuffed to pipes, and are quite content to lose a leg or arm to a chainsaw if it means getting their remaining hand on the throat of someone who sold them a car. The few Capricorn zombies left at the end are usually buried in the basement of a demolished building.

Aquarius When you become aware of the zombie invasion, your feelings will be split. Naked fear upon hearing the screams that suddenly end; and a sense of peace that a plethora of social problems which trouble you are now gone. Without the poor, there is no poverty; without criminals, there is no injustice; blah blah blah. This feeling of utopia could well be your undoing as you should flee or defend yourself rather than day dream.

The mass attack is how your sign makes its last stand. If you have a high up position (a hill, office building, or water tower) you will have a spectacular view of the seething mass of zombies. So many of them, all shuffling towards you. If only they were not undead. If you are underground, or hiding, you will hear the drum of footsteps. You will recognize faces in the crowd, some will croak your name. Before you resign yourself to having your head cracked and your brain eaten, look around: your sign always has a spectacular means of escape close by, usually involving electrical transmission lines.

The mad scientist is your soul mate. When you make it to the secret military base, you will be suddenly consumed with passion for the brilliant mind, even as you slowly discover their evil heart. Sex will be unlike that seen since the hippie era, complete with the best drugs that the mad doctor keeps for himself; the cheap stuff he uses on the soldiers and research assistants. You will be completely unaware of the plots against your lover, although you can aid in their escape, after concealing their death. Take the heavy briefcase filled with gold, not the light one with the serum samples.

As a zombie, Aquarius is the deepest thinker. This is the sign that turns out the power to the building then lurks in the electrical room. This is the sign that waits in the back seat of the car, hides in the shower stall, or just behind the stairs. The Aquarius zombie retains the ability to laugh and croak out witty epithets. Their eyeballs still focus, unlike other zombies. Electricity is their downfall, however. Expect the Aquarius zombie to be consumed by some sort of high voltage, high amperage event. If you can smell rotting flesh, roast pork, and ozone, then the Aquarius zombie is really, really dead.

Pisces You will be in a crowded place when the zombies attack. Your means of escape will be thwarted: you will feel like a fish trapped in a net. You must fight your way out, but, if you keep your wits about you, there will be a lesser way of escape where the zombies are easy to dispatch. This will involve stopping zombie children, but if your blood is up Pisces, they will be short work for you considering the number of things you keep on your person that are really weapons, though you never realized it consciously until you needed them most, like now.

Zombies will get you from behind. If your back is to a wall, it will be through the wall the grasping arms come. They will also grab at your feet. Hopefully, you are wearing sensible footwear (combat boots, not hippie sandals) and will not get infectious zombie gore on your exposed skin. You may also get your foot trapped inside a chest cavity if you kick too hard, leading to your downfall. The crawling dismembered limbs of zombies also tend to crawl towards you, Pisces. The air duct or drain pipe may be too small for a person, but if a dismembered hand can make its way through, it will.

Your sign has a greater chance of making to the secret military base. The evil scientist running the place has a soft spot for your sign. There you will be fed drugs, lose weight to your optimal measure, gain muscle tone, and have the best sexual experiences this side of pagan Rome. You will be asleep when the evil scientist is overthrown, and escape the resulting chaos with one of the key minions in a nifty escape helicopter. Take the light briefcase with the serum, not the heavy one with the gold bullion.

As a zombie, your sign rots the slowest when immersed in water. Pisces zombies are very good at looking really dead; your sign is the least attractive of zombies, with at least a few fingers missing, absent teeth, and that eye watering smell of rotting flesh. Hence, ambush and night attack are your signs forte. The zombie that grabs someone out of the water is a Pisces. They are quite content to float in the water, rotting, drifting, until something with a tasty brain comes within easy reach. There is something of the crocodile in the Pisces zombie: they like to pull thrashing living people under water, and let them come up to the surface to scream a bit, then pull them down again. Its like marinating meat, but only this is for the brain.

I, Sargon the Magnificent wrote this, even if Fenris Badwulf typed it in.

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