Friday, February 22, 2013

Astrology and Murder

Your destiny is written in the stars. Murderer? How to murder, and the fate of the corpse.
Aries An Aries will kill you for a matter of principle. And when he does, well, it will be in some contest of arms or wits, and the Aries will turn out to be undisputed master of whatever piece of cutlery is singing its way into your black heart. This will inevitably be an unpleasant surprise for you.

You will not have much time to talk your way out of being chopped up by some cutlass wielding Aries. They usually start by cutting off your ears, then your nose. Falling to your knees and begging for mercy will not work until after you lose a few body parts. Aries likes proof they are better, and nothing works better than seeing your ears on the ground. But after that, you have a good slim chance.

Aries will leave your segmented remains in a steaming, gory pile for the buzzards. Aries is rarely prosecuted for murder because of their original methods of dispatch and brazen methods. The police admire this sort of excellence and usually just throw up their hands and keep the evidence photos for office parties.

Taurus A Taurus will kill you for all the traditional reasons: money, sex, and revenge. In this, they are predictable, which is good. Unfortunately, the average Taurus has unnatural reserves of strength in their bodies, which makes being strangled an unpleasant possibility. If you are unlucky, the Taurus you inspire to murder you will have some sort of military training. This will greatly reduce your chances of survival. Even the boy scout trained Taurus is an efficient killing machine. For some reason, the Air Force trained Taurus are the most lethal.

There is not much you can do to stop Taurus once he has decided to pull your arm out of the socket. Reason is futile. Threats of revenge will just make him angrier and make your last moments more painful. You have a slim hope with bribery, but, again, this could backfire and turn the swift murdering Taurus into a extended torture session with you and your money as the star attraction. There is something in the Taurus personality that is a pirate, and it is best left dormant.

Practical Taurus will use your steaming remains to make something beautiful. This usually means compost and bone meal for the garden. It appeals to their concept of universal order that something so vile (you) are now making strong stems and healthy leaves for the roses and carrots. Your scrotum will most likely be made into a tobacco pouch, and your giblets made into sandwiches for the homeless. Taurus is rarely punished for murder as there is rarely any evidence left, and they are generous to investigating detectives with Cuban cigars, wine and sandwiches. Raymond Burr is a Taurus.

Gemini A Gemini will kill you for somehow tricking them. As Gemini are a very intellectually mobile sign, you probably will not know what you have done. It could be cheating at Scrabble, or trying to lose at Scrabble, or not cheating enough at Scrabble to give Gemini some competition because you always lose at Scrabble. As for method, Gemini will usually favor whatever technique or device they have last seen on Serial Killer Week on The Crime Channel. Ideally, Gemini would just give you some amusing, but cleverly erroneous driving directions that take you to some gang banger headquarters in a car the wrong color. Usually, Gemini just puts out a contract on your head, taking advantage of their extensive pen pal connections through their Prison Friends magazine subscription.

You can usually talk a Gemini into not having you killed. They find the idea of being Judge and Jury rather fun. This may backfire if they get a taste for it and become serial killers with you as a required prop in the psychodrama.

If you do die, you will likely end up in a landfill. Gemini inevitably ends up in prison for murder, too.

Cancer Like all of the water signs, a Cancer will kill you for obscure emotional slights. They are very emotionally sensitive and not good communicators of their feelings, so you will usually not realize that they are planning to kill you. As for method, Cancer comes in two varieties … either they want you to die quickly and painlessly, or slowly and in great torment. Poisons figure prominently in their planning, as do some form of being sealed up or buried alive. If they are really angry, they will burst into tears and call you names as they shovel dirt onto your face.

Even the most inept wordsmith can talk his way out of being killed by a Cancer. A simple abject apology, with lots of tears and wailing, can work wonders. Emphasis should be on being sorry for hurting their feelings, and understanding how you slighted them, rather than talk of punishment or your right to live. Grovel and eat dirt.

Cancer likes to make a thoughtful shrine somewhere close to where your body is preserved in some way. They can visit and recall all the good times you shared together, and repress any negative memories of your cold blooded murder at their hands. Unless your mummified corpse is found some decades after the fact, Cancer will escape punishment. Generally, the police buy whatever flimsy excuses and cheap alibi Cancer dishes out. It is too much paperwork to prosecute, and besides, Cancer will provide a lifetime of premium coffee and home baked treats to the Detective lucky enough to hold your file.

Leo A Leo will kill you for just being in the way. This is an easily predictable position in life, so your Leo enemies, though many, are not likely to get you by surprise. The Leo prefers some form of public slaying, preferably with an admiring crowd, which is, if you think about it, impractical. Just stay away from public places with the Leos you have humiliated and you should be fine.

It is hard to avoid death at the hands of a Leo once his fingers are around your windpipe. You are the villain, and there is not much you can do to save yourself. Pleading for mercy, or appeals to reason, or offers of money, or divine retribution just seem to make Leo more angry, and your death will take longer in the bargain. If you can act like a blubbering coward, this helps. Kissing the ground before their feet is a proven life saver.

Your body will be left to rot where it falls. Leo will get sent to prison, where he will do just fine, perhaps writing a novel and getting a university degree. Leo will not suffer much in prison, which is not much of a consolation.

Virgo A Virgo will decide to kill you for being somehow unclean. As Virgo is a somewhat inscrutable sign, this concept of unclean varies from individual to individual. So, whatever you did will be a surprise. Being an Earth sign, Virgo likes to plan your murder, perhaps doing additional research and some experimentation. Virgos are expert users of poison and vicious animals. Expect to find Asbestos in your air conditioner, or a coral snake in your shower.

If you have your wits about you, you can play along with the whole denial thing Virgos have going on about their plans to kill you. Just deny that the scorpion in your shoe is an attempt on your life, but rather an amusing coincidence of nature. Be sure to laugh. Virgo finds it hard to bludgeon people who are laughing.

Virgo tends to get away with murder as it is almost impossible to prove that they did it. They do their homework well and most Detectives are too lazy to do the footwork to put the average Virgo behind bars.

Libra A Libra will decide to kill you for being ‘unfair’, or worst of all, for disagreeing with them.. As Libra live in a rarefied ivory tower of obligation and rituals reminiscent of the Byzantine Empire, you are pretty much doomed to not live up to their standards. As for method of murder, Libra is certainly the most lethal in that they are the most practical when it comes to snuffing out living things. The Libra will select the most efficient method, and of all the signs, this is the most to be feared.

You can usually talk you way out of certain death at the hands of a Libra by groveling and admitting how wrong you were and how right they are. When your abject confession of the astounding truth of their logic is made clear, Libra is less likely to have you cast into the pit of lime. After all, you are one of the too few members of humanity who see reason, their reason, and now have more value then one of the grubby nay saying peasants.

If you do die at their hands, you will usually get a decent funeral. Libra is master of forgery, and a simple set of cooked death certificates is no problem for the flying pen of Libra. It will be a nice funeral, too. Much better than you deserve, you bum.

Scorpio Poor Scorpio gets a bad reputation as some sort of serial killer. Actually, they just get caught the most, being emotional and abandoning reason and good crime craft when they go about snuffing enemies and rivals. A Scorpio, being an emotional water sign, will plot to kill you if you cheat him in a business deal, or you mess with someone he loves. Pretty mundane, when you think about it. Scorpios do favor some form of slow and painful method for killing, and they do like to watch. Ideally, they like to watch your face when they strangle you, but most Scorpios have a delicate constitution and don’t have the strength to match their burning will power for a good throttling. So, if you do face a homicidal Scorpio, he will usually have a gun, sometimes a crossbow. They will wound you first, then deliver some sort of speech.

During the speech is your time to save yourself. You have to convince the crossbow wielding Scorpio that you are getting what you deserve because you are scum. If you can convince the Scorpio that you are more miserable than they are, that your riches are empty pleasures, that sex is meaningless, that all your treasures are bitter, you just might escape your fate.

If you fail, you die. You will be left to rot. Scorpio inevitably ends up in prison, anyway, but they have a spiritual and intellectual rebirth. They become stronger and better in prison, which is not much of a consolation.

Sagittarius This fire sign has an idealistic concept of rights and obligations so you are certain to offend them in some way. As most Sagittauri are some form of legal groupie, you can be assured that you will be barraged with Building code and Bylaw infractions as a warning that you have pissed off some Sag. If it turns ugly, expect to be framed. Sag is a master of framing people. So when you find the crime boss’s missing accounting ledger in your briefcase, along with a business card from the local FBI, you can expect a heavy knock on your door soon after. Sag really doesn’t like killing people, so putting them away in prison for life for a crime they did not commit is more their style. They get better at this as they get older and more experienced.

Sag rarely confronts his victims, unless he has some sort of religious background. You then must fall to your knees and play along. Guard your tongue and restrict yourself to pleas for mercy and confessions of unworthiness. Do not banter theological concepts with the Sag who holds your life in your hands … they may decide that you are a heretic. It will not go well for you.

Sag likes to dump the bodies of their victims in golf course water obstacles. They usually escape prison on legal technicalities, which encourages them.

Capricorn Capricorns spend most of their time plotting to off pretty most everybody they know, so it is just a given that the Capricorns in your life will toy with having you put down at least once a month. What makes them move you into the active destruction bin is if you somehow thwart their ambition. Could be most anything. These earth signs like to plan things, and this is not good for you. When whatever well researched mechanism springs shut on your neck, there will not be much time for pleading for mercy.

If you are lucky, you may get some face time with Capricorn before he finishes you off. You must convince the Capricorn that you are somehow useful, that you have information or skills that will further his ambitions. This will not be easy, as they usually already know everything about you. Stalin was a Capricorn.

As part of their efficient planning, body disposal figures high up there. You will be rendered into hamburger, sausage, or hot dogs. For some reason, Capricorns like to keep teeth. If your Capricorn friend has any sort of collection of teeth, be careful … he is a serial killer. Capricorns rarely go to prison for a single caper. If they go down, it is for something big.

Aquarius Aquarius rarely admits to himself that he is plotting murder, but still manages to dispatch a respectable number of victims anyway. Being a social air sign, Aquarius prefer to stalk people who offend their idealistic social beliefs … this may be the person who doesn’t sort his recycling bin, who smokes in public, or complains about taxes. So, you will not get much warning. Aquarians are not very sophisticated when it comes to murder methods. They like guns, and the political Aquarian will use either a pistol (if against gun control) or a shotgun (if for gun control).

Before you are murdered, the Aquarian just loves to have some sort of show trial, even if nobody else is there. This is your chance. Listen patiently to the crimes you have committed, and the horrible sentence decided upon the gun wielding Aquarian, acting as Judge and Jury. Now, you must agree with them and move the conversation towards re-habilitation. Promise anything, and make it grandiose and symbolic. Promise to work in a food bank, whatever. This just might save your skin.

If you are dead, the Aquarian will leave your shattered body where it is. Arrest and trial for the murderous Aquarian inevitably follows.

Pisces As a water sign, Pisces puts up with more abuse and degradation than most others. This makes them great employees. Sometimes, something snaps in their minds, and they begin to fantasize about having you tortured to death. Mere murder is not an option for Pisces. They want you to suffer, suffer long and hard. Water, or liquids, or liquefied metals, figure strongly in the elaborate ritual murders that Pisces spend so much time day dreaming about at their assigned work stations.

You can elude certain death by coming up with some creative story of suffering and alienation that somehow outstrips their own experience. It better be good.

Your body will be sent to a watery grave, or dissolved in lime. Pisces inevitably gets away with murder, not realizing how much better they would feel if they were in prison, which is really a Pisces paradise.

Sargon the Magnificent wrote this

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