Awareness by the Unaware

Your public library has a diversity of awareness raising seminars and goings on. Inevitably, there is some government funding for whatever awareness group is out pushing brochures, literature, and a community college quality power point presentation. Your question is how can you attach your inner financial lamprey to this money trout that is government funding. A logical and reasonable person would want to know what sort of criteria are used to determine which awareness group gets funding, and which does not. There is no criteria. Just fill in the forms, and the check arrives. Finding the forms, the programs, and the byzantine criteria for filling out the forms is the challenge. As with all things government, having a friend inside helps. I went to the public library, your public library, to attend a government funded awareness seminar on farting.

I was unaware that people who fart were victims of white right wing extremist culture. Perhaps you were too. Thank any God but Christ that some fart aware bureaucrat within the bowels of state was ready with a pen ready to sign checks to fund his friends fart awareness spending program. As the seminar leader for fart awareness told me, I had a friend tell me about funding. I cannot find any sort of public advertisement that alerts the rest of us subjects that we can claw back some of our confiscated income by hitching up to the feeding trough of unsupervised spending. Well, now I know. I can think of ten different victim groups of white right wing extremist culture that need my hands to handle awareness funding. Until then, until I get the checks in my hand, I will simply share with you my awareness raising from fart awareness.

People who fart are victims of racism.   Nobody in the audience stood up to disagree.  I looked around, but in a covert sort of way.  Nobody wants to look like somebody who is a racist looking for people to support his racism.  So, the consensus was that people who fart are victims of racism.  The awareness leader, an activist who started in Trudeau era sadomasochism activist movement (he gave awareness seminars for years that I never knew about; he got checks, and produced no actual, tangible output; go figure) migrated from simple bondage to food sex to, now, 2013, fart awareness.  His promotional literature boasts of his activity, but research through archives and records show nothing.  To think he has been living on those 100k and 50k checks.  Life can be a Daisy.  Anyway, I should share with you some facts about the oppressed fart culture.

Like Ebonic, farters have their own language. Like most of these new dialects, they celebrate the Hobbit. Farters have classified farts, using names that evoke a vegetable, which is Hobbit-like, is it not? Those loud farts are cabbages. The smaller ones are brussel sprouts. And when you fart when you have a flux of the bowels, they call that broccoli. I can easily imagine a gathering of Hobbits feasting and, subsequently, farting; using such terms to brag and savor their tenor and mezzo-soprano arse-wind instruments. Now, back before fart awareness, I always termed broccoli as foaming, bursting diarrhea. That was insensitive.

Our fart awareness seminar leader must have a Hobbit name. He reminded me of one of the leftists who e-mail me all the time with detailed arguments and logical proofs. Well, he reminded me of one of those leftists who e-mail me all the time. The detail and logic gets forgotten in the haste to express emotionally based reasoning. I think the fart awareness seminar leader's Hobbit name is Dildo Carrot. At least that was that was what I put into the database for him. I care. It is a good Hobbit name for someone who takes tens of thousands of dollars of confiscated income.

I asked Dildo Carrot about farting on public transit.   Of course, farting is acceptable.  Farting, like rubber bondage or anal fisting, is completely natural.  Only a racist would say otherwise.  You have to fart, so fart.  There is a silent majority that enjoy the sound and savory smell of fart. Apparently.  Nobody in the room disagreed.  Not even a titter of laughter, or a shuffling of papers.  No racists stood up to put on their klan hoods and spew hate.  So, farting on public transit is OK.  The sweet smell of awareness is spreading.  No shit, man. 

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care.