Have you told someone that you love them today?

As I sit with my beloved in the warm embrace of our loving home, I look into her eyes and then we join in a shared sacrament of our eternal love: Our lips share the goodness that is The Bran Muffin.

Yes, Good Citizens, as our arms are entwined, we eat natures perfect food, the Bran Muffin. This simple baked good, celebrated in song and in sonnet, praised by poets and proctologists alike, is correctly equated with virility among men and fertility among women. Baldness is rumored to be cured by a daily diet of a single morning muffin of bran, Potent erections return with renewed iron resolve when your colon smiles with a steady flow of bran, depression flees before it's fiber goodness.

The author of The Lord of the Rings used The Bran Muffin as his model for the life giving food of the elves. Yes, lembas, the way bread of the fairy folk, is indeed the simple and nourishing Bran Muffin! The Orcs, their sallow complexions and pinched dispositions are bitter charactures of the chronically constipated. So, Good Citizens, with whom do you march? The smiling colons of the Elves? Or the tormented intestines of the Orcs?

Let this be your thought of the day, this day. Gobble down a Bran Muffin today. Look forward to fulfillment and self-actualization. Surely toil and stress fade before the rising sun of healthy goodness. Be filled with the life force! Enpower yourself with a Bran Muffin today, tomorrow, and forward into eternity!

I love children. As the tiny tots are readied for return to their parents after a day in daycare, I dispatch my tiny charges fortified with a bran muffin. As a treat, they also get a Cadillac, a beverage blend of a cup of coffee with a chocolate bar dissolved in the hot liquid. This is consumed only minites before the happy energetic charges are reunited with their workforce parents. The tykes love it. No one has ever complained.

The Bran Muffin is your sword and shield against distemper and plague. Let your visits to the proctologist be filled with joy and singing and poetry. Let the unwise Orcs face the Rectonaut Probe. Be an elf and eat your daily Bran Muffin. There is no better way to tell someone you love them. Give the gift of life that fills them with love ... The Bran Muffin.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this, thanks to a generous grant from the Septic Tank Pump Truck Owner-Operators Association of South Western Ontario