Saturday, March 23, 2013

Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2013

The War God, Mars, is on the march. And, he looks attractive in that uniform. Venus accompanies Mars in Aries, and the delightful Sun shines his light upon the romance of soldier and lover. So, there is sex to appeal to the lusty. Mercury remains behind in Pisces keeping motivations hidden and confused, but also bringing resources and answers in that magical way so special about Mercury in Pisces. So, a week of fire and dash, heroes to cheer, and miraculous arrivals of rescuing cavalry. This is your week in the stars.

Aries: Monday, you will have the best sex of your life. After that, life just seems so darn pleasant in that victor surveying the battlefield sort of way. Friday, your accustomed sex partner will be swapped out by a sex tourist space alien.

Taurus: The world trembles at the sound of your foot steps, Taurus. People fall to their knees and prostrate themselves. The lucky few have the privilege of kissing your feet. Crushing your enemies not only feels good, but the witnesses think it entertaining. All this Hail Caesar in your life is not so good for your digestion. Sneak some prunes.

Gemini: Your treasured collection of fixed dice will prove useful this week, Gemini. Use the wrong methods to do the right thing. And you better count your change and check receipts: reparations for slavery means short changing you on your purchases.

Cancer: You will be left alone by the troublesome peasants, so you can concentrate on things that are important to you. Ah, Spring is coming! To the extent you do not get caught up in the mire, you will harvest a crop of contentment later on.

Leo: You will be offered a leadership role for the wrong project for the right reasons. Can you say yes and no to a misleading question? Think of it as an art project: still life of pasta.

Virgo: Just do the right thing. Refuse the invitation to go skinny dipping in the cesspool. Reason is on vacation this week, expect a post card. You will have prophetic dreams.

Libra: You will be involved in an unsatisfying love affair that will have a crisis on Friday. Space aliens are involved, and those emotionless creatures are never much fun.

Scorpio: Someone else has a great idea. You can admire them for it, and then, when they hesitate in implementation, copy it and do it better. You will not feel smug and superior, but you will earn the admiration of the mob.

Sagittarius: You will find yourself on the wrong team for the right reasons, supporting the right policy for the wrong people, and generally finding yourself surrounded by fog as you are carried far above the earth in a balloon. Each step you take above ground level takes you a step farther from reality. Avoid space travel.

 Capricorn: This is your time to transform yourself. Unfortunately, you consider yourself a finished product, not a work in progress. Channel your inner goat and think of eating the delights the world has to offer and not think about butting walls, fence posts, and sleeping bears.

Aquarius: Sudden insights into the sciences of the future will give you a refreshing peek into the exciting world to come. It is not what is expected, and you are amazed. Nobody will listen to you, though. Just sit back and be smug.

Pisces: A nice holy war would be nice now; a combination of the First World War combined with the Crusades, sort of. Read up on the Hundred Years War (England versus France) and give some thought to your leadership role in this coming clash of fanatics and high technology. Let me give you a clue: computer games for training drone pilots.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

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